MINDSET

Most of us grow up believing certain things about what we can and cannot do.

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"I'm just not creative." "I'll never understand math." "I'm terrible at public speaking." "I'm not a morning person." "I can't set boundaries."

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These stories often start as protection from embarrassment or failure, but they become the cages we lock ourselves in. They're fixed beliefs about who we are, and they stop us from trying anything that might contradict them. 

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It's not just ourselves we cage. We do it to others too. "My partner will never learn to listen." "My kid is just defiant." "My mother is impossible to talk to." We label people as stubborn, lazy, or hopeless, and then we stop expecting anything different from them.

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Psychologist Carol Dweck (2006) calls this a "fixed mindset," the belief that our abilities are set in stone. A "growth mindset," on the other hand, reminds us that abilities are living, changing, shaped by effort, environment, and experience. A growth mindset is understanding that making mistakes is how we get better and that the process matters more than being "good" at something right away.

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Neuroscience and something called neuroplasticity (Doidge, 2007) tells us that our brains can grow, change, and learn throughout our lives. Every time we practice a new thought, behavior, or skill, we strengthen new neural pathways, making those patterns easier and more natural over time. Neurons that fire together wire together. Each time we repeat an action, a thought, even a self-belief, we strengthen that pathway. 

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However, we live in a culture obsessed with quick fixes. Ten-day cleanses. Life-changing morning routines. Transformational weekend workshops. We want to be better, fixed, healed... NOW. We scroll through before-and-after photos and think growth should look like that: dramatic, fast, linear.

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Real, lasting growth and transformation doesn't work that way. It's slow. It's messy. It involves failing more than succeeding, especially at first. Stumbling and fumbling isn't evidence we're doing it wrong. It's evidence we're doing it!!

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SAFETY FIRST

If you’re wondering why we didn't start here it’s because we can't build anything new when our bodies are in survival mode. When we're fighting, fleeing, fawning or frozen, the parts of our brain that learn and adapt go offline (van der Kolk, 2014). All our energy goes to staying safe. There's nothing left for stretching and expanding.

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Think about the last time you were really dysregulated. Anxious, overwhelmed, or completely shut down. Could you have tried something unfamiliar and been okay with messing it up? Probably not. Your system was too busy just trying to survive. 

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That’s why we start with gaining a true understanding of ourselves and the nature of our nervous systems. Once we're regulated, curiosity comes back. We can try hard things without collapsing. We can fail and get back up. We can reach just past our comfort zone because we trust we can return to our window of tolerance.

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Growth isn’t about muscling or pushing through. It starts with being safe enough to risk.​

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HOW TO JUMP-START GROWTH

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Start absurdly small. The brain resists change that feels unsafe. Begin with steps so small they feel almost laughable. One sentence a day. One honest conversation. One pause before reacting. 60 seconds of pause or reflection or movement. 

 

Anchor it. Pair new habits with something we already do: stretch while coffee brews, breathe before checking the phone, journal after brushing teeth. This uses existing neural pathways to support new ones.

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Reward it. Our brains run on dopamine. When something feels good, we want to do it again. So after you do your new practice, pause for five seconds and notice. Say "I did it" out loud. Put a checkmark on your calendar. Smile. Feel proud for two breaths. It sounds small, but you're teaching your brain: this is worth repeating.

 

Expect friction. Resistance isn't failure. The old pathway is faster, easier, more familiar. Keep going anyway. The discomfort means we're rewiring. When we tell ourselves "This is hard because I'm bad at it," the brain releases stress chemistry (cortisol, adrenaline). Learning shuts down. When we reframe it as "This is hard because I'm growing new wiring," the brain releases dopamine and motivation (Dweck, 2006). 

 

Return without shame. You're going to miss days. You'll forget, get busy, lose motivation, or just not feel like it. That's normal. What matters is coming back. When you mess up or skip a week and then start again, that comeback is doing something important in your brain. You're building the pathway that says "I can stumble and keep going." That's actually more valuable than never missing a day, because life is full of interruptions.

 

Prioritize rest. Neuroscience shows that the cementing of new learning happens during rest (Walker, 2017). Sleep, quiet, and daydreaming allow the brain to integrate change. That's why growth isn't just about showing up to practice; it's also about stepping back and letting your brain do its behind-the-scenes work. 

 

FOR PARENTS

Our children are watching how we handle our own "not yet." When we say, "This is hard for me, and I'm still learning," we show them that brains grow through effort, not just natural talent. When we talk through our mistakes, "I tried it this way and it didn't work, so now I'm trying something else", we normalize struggle as part of learning, not evidence of failure.

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REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Where in your life are you expecting quick transformation instead of slow, imperfect progress?

2. What would it mean to celebrate your stumbles as evidence of growth instead of evidence of failure?

3. When you were learning something new as a child, what messages did we receive about mistakes? How do those messages show up in how you talk to yourself today?

4. How do your friends, partners, or children see you handle failure and frustration? What are they learning about growth from watching you?

5. Where have you already experienced slow growth that eventually became second nature? What does that tell you about what's possible now?​

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Practice 1: Notice our stories

What are the fixed stories you tell yourself? 

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"I'm bad at..." "I'll never be able to..." "I'm just not a ____ person."

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Now rewrite each one with "yet" at the end: "I'm not good at setting boundaries... yet." "I don't know how to regulate my emotions... yet."

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Notice how that one word shifts something. It's not magic. It's neuroscience. We're telling our brains the pathway isn't closed.

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Practice 2: Failure Sharing

At dinner or bedtime, have the family share: "What did you fail at today? What did you learn?" Share your own first. Make mistakes normal. If no one failed at anything, ask: "Did we try anything hard enough to risk failing?"

 

Practice 3: Brain Growth Reminder

Next time you make a mistake, pause. Put your hand on your head and say: "My brain is growing right now." Imagine neural pathways strengthening. Ask: "What is this teaching me?" Write down one insight.